This is my true area of expertise, especially considering my last partner called me “an entitled caustic pig.” Humor in any relationship is always important. The following are ten insightful ways to meet and keep the person of your dreams.
1. It doesn’t matter that they love and enjoy certain activities such as bow hunting, studying the ecosystem of ant farms or caring for 37 indoor cats. Surprise! You love them as well! Feigning delight for their hobbies only makes you more endearing to them and therefore, a true soul mate.
2. My ex is a HUGE liar. Of course, warning signs light up. Ignore them. Simply tell yourself that your partner is clever and creative. This allows you to love them even more, if that’s possible. Also, it’s a sign of superior intellect. Think how lucky you are for being the only one who sees this in them.
3. If they have a drug or alcohol problem, overlook it. It’s probably due to a bad childhood, horrible divorce, loss of multiple jobs or parole. You can help them overcome this…you can! Just don’t give them cash. This is enabling your twin flame.
4. Give them loads of cash. Any unemployed partner needs new clothes for that job interview tomorrow. This is also enabling but the good kind.
5. Enable. This will guarantee that your loved one sticks around even if it’s just for money. And true love.
6. Sexually transmitted diseases are no laughing matter. Your soul mate may turn up with one or all of them and can tell you it came from an airplane toilet, the laundromat or from wearing someone else’s undergarments. Remind them that you also enjoy bow hunting as much as they do. Drive them to urgent care and drop the issue. No need to revisit mistakes. We always want to move forward.
7. Napping. This is one of the most enjoyable hobbies of the unemployed alcoholic. In tip #1, make sure that you include music as one of your true vocations but one you haven’t learned yet. When your beloved is resting, simply try out your new cymbals/cello/tuba. If they complain, make them feel guilty for not supporting your dream.
8. This brings us to guilt, which is REALLY useful. Any time your true love gets angry, sullen or exhibits any negative emotion you don’t like, employ guilt. In order to remain interesting, ‘creatively’ tell them that you once worked in the NASA training program or as a rodeo clown. If they start to use one of those horrible negative emotions stop them dead in their tracks by using the line, “you’re not supporting my dream.” Works every time.
9. Bad habits such as smoking, littering, shoplifting, and/or getting tattoos with other peoples names are fine as long as they are interviewing for employment within the week. Everyone needs a little excitement in their life. Make sure you keep enough for bail in a savings account, just in case. Nagging, though it can be helpful, doesn’t always work.
10. Get a second or even a third job so you have some excitement in your life. Plus, there will always be money issues. Divorce attorneys are expensive, as are 28 day rehab stays at the beach. Best yet, they should always be there for you when you arrive home after a long day at 3 a.m.
Employing these 10 tips will help you meet and keep that perfect mate. Trust me, it’s helped many times in the past.